Coming Out Story – a vignette

You’re a nice boy – you’ve always made mum proud.

There’s something you’ve got to tell her though. She’s always known you’ve been the shy and sensitive type, you were never really into sports at school, you played the clarinet. She knows that you and Harry have lived together since you met at uni in a student production of Little Shop of Horrors, but she seems to think the two of you are just very close.

So when she’s visiting you – her only son – in the big city, you take her to one of the nice (gentrified) pubs in your neighbourhood on a Sunday afternoon.

You sit in a quiet corner in the dining section. Roasts and a bottle of the house red have been ordered. You look at her meaningfully,

“Mum, i’m gay”

At that moment, the barmaid rings the last orders bell. Rainbow glitter rains down from the ceiling over your table. The Vengaboys’ signature hit Boom Boom Boom Boom starts blaring over the sound system.

Two oiled up bodybuilders in jockstraps and leather harnesses arrive out of nowhere and gyrate in front of you both.

TV presenter Anna Richardson emerges, drapes a pink feather boa around your neck, and congratulates you on being the 1,000th person to come out to their mum in that pub.

Richardson and the bodybuilders disperse, the music stops – as abruptly as it started. The waitress comes over with your roasts. When she brings the bucket full of condiments, she points out two bottles of Berlin XXX Hardcore poppers nestled between the mustard and the HP sauce.

“On the house” she says, with a knowing smile.

You Called Me B*tty Boy

You called me “b*tty boy”
a word that tumbled from your mind
and out of your mouth
unthinkingly.

Would you have been so bold
had you not been with ten of your friends?
Because its always from amorphous groups
or from the window of a moving car
that that word – and others like it –
spew.

It’s cowardice.
It’s never one-on-one
that you target someone
for who they are;
target us,
for who we are.

But whether I’m wearing a dress or
whether I have a lampshade on my fucking head
do I not have the right to be me?
To walk the street,
unbothered by your hate.

Because its so boring, so uninspired,
and I’m so fucking tired
of your hate.

Maybe its just a word to you
but it sticks to me, like gum on the shoe,
like dirty grey gum on my shoe,
like dirty grey gum on my shoe.

The perils of online shopping

Let me tell you
a sorry tale
of a friend who saw
up for sale
a baby micro hippo.

They went and bought her as a pet
and they named her, Bernadette,
oh! and how they loved her so,
that baby micro hippo.

But Bernadette did grow and grow,
from teeny tiny to jumbo,
it’s then my friend did realise,
the “micro” part was but a lie:

Bernadette, was a regular, and absolutely massive, hippo.

This caused my friend quite some alarm,
as Bernadette wrought untold harm,
she stomped all over this and that,
she even killed the neighbour’s cat.
My friend knew not what they should do;
their lounge filled up with hippo poo.

They had to rid her from their maisonette,
poor, sweet, heavy-footed, Bernadette.
So imbued with sadness through and through,
they sent her to live, in London Zoo.

So friends, be cautious, be aware,
pay attention, and take care
of what you see online for sale;
You could end up, in hippo hell.

On The Tram

On the tram
the sharp tang of us all cloys,
like the smell of
flowers
mating in the Spring.

The tram trundles;
our bodies secrete sweat
into polyester mix.
Our odours mix,
our thoughts, apart.

East Croydon station.
We move together
across the concrete, and steel tracks.
The Sun blazes down upon us,
silent, together, alone.

mushrooms tomatoes scrambled egg

“Café Sandwich Bar”
written backwards across
the window
mushrooms tomatoes
scrambled egg

warm golden spread
on soft white bread
brown and red sauce in
brown and red bottles
Formica tables
and blue plastic chairs

“yeah, escalators are scary”
a man softly answers
his young son’s story
a fork oversized
in the boy’s small hand

extra beans – a pound
extra bubble – one fifty
and I want this moment,
to takeaway.